100 things about me (well almost)
I was inspired by HSP Woman’s 100 things about her so here’s mine:
1. I’m 42 years old.
2. I’m freaked out about my husband turning 50 next year even though I’ve never had an issue with him being older than me before.
3. I love nature and there is nothing that makes me feel more high than experiencing new landscapes, topography and flora/fauna–hence, yes, I love to travel in order to do that. My favorite vacation is to experience new natural wonders.
4. I lived in Italy twice for one year each time as a child.
5. I grew up bilingual and my father only speaks to me in Italian to this day.
6. I majored in Religious Studies after having false starts in a variety of other majors: Rhetoric, Anthropology, Italian and Social Work.
7. I went to UC Berkeley and to this day wear it like a badge even though I know I shouldn’t.
8. I feel inferior because I never got a graduate degree.
9. I, like HSP Woman, know when I ovulate and I have perfect 28 day cycles. This helps me prepare for my PMS but also leads me to dwell on being aware of how many “good days” I have left or dread the days until my period arrives.
10. Except for the time spent in Italy as a child I lived my whole life in California. Even though I no longer live there I identify as a Californian. It will always be home.
11. Almost 5 years ago I moved to the Appalachian mountains to a rural community in the forest.
12. The previous 18 years were spent in the Bay Area in California. I lived 10 years in Berkeley, 4 years in San Francisco, 2 years in Oakland and 2 years in San Rafael, Marin. I loved each city with a passion, always for different reasons.
13. Though I love where I now live, I have not completely acclimated to the radical cultural differences.
14. I made many life-long friendships once I moved to Berkeley and the Bay Area. I am deeply bonded with many of those friends.
15. I have been unable to make similarly deeply bonded friendships where I now live. I don’t know why this is.
16. I am by nature extremely social, but as I withdraw from meds I often find it difficult to socialize and find this the most painful part of the process.
17. I have tried 37 different psychiatric medications. None of them worked.
18. I have no concrete goals for the future (other than getting off my meds.) This is a source of angst for me.
19. I have a dog and two cats. My dog is a “feist.” The dictionary definition for “feist” is “southern mongrel.” She is bred to hunt squirrels and raccoons, but doesn’t get to experience what she was born to do. The word “feisty” comes from “feist” and we have first hand experience as to why this is.
20. Caffeine screws with my brain and body–so does alcohol. I still very occasionally test that reality for some ungodly reason. I always pay for it. It’s just that I used to enjoy both.
21. I had plans in college to spend a year abroad in Italy studying, but it was rudely interrupted by a manic episode brought on by a hallucinogenic drug. I have always regretted not being able to do that.
22. I have been hospitalized for psychiatric disturbance 6 times. The first 5 times were in college. Four of those episodes were triggered by hallucinogenics. Three of them were back to back over a three month period. I really never stopped being manic. The last one during college was triggered by a holistic doctor that didn’t understand I couldn’t take excitatory amino acids with my history.
23. Because of the hospitalizations and the rocky time I had in school it took me 9 years to get my BA.
24. Nonetheless, I graduated with a 3.4 grade point average. If I hadn’t had to drop out the last semester and sacrifice my finals (I was given grades based on my midterms and averaging out the grade as if I failed my final–I didn’t want to take incompletes–I had been in school long enough.) Because I was getting straight A’s I got the first C grades of my life. That brought down my GPA from what would have been a 3.8 +.
25. I never did a hallucinogenic again after age 23. But I went on to smoke marijuana only very occasionally until New Years Eve 1999.
26. Marijuana made me delusional and I had some very interesting conversations with God.
27. Because of the hyper-religiousity that the drugs caused and the vast array of intense spiritual experiences I’ve had because of them, I now find it hard to believe in anything at all. It seems to me it was all delusional.
28. Nonetheless, I ache for spiritual meaning in my life.
29. One of my dearest childhood friends died at age 22 of AIDS. It was before much was understood about AIDS and he died in isolation telling no one of his illness. I was unable to say goodbye to him. I swore I would give back to the AIDS community in his name.
30. I worked in an AIDS hospice as a volunteer for 2 years.
31. I was a social worker/case manager for 12 years.
32. I started out by working for an AIDS Foundation. There I worked with mostly homeless, drug-addicted, mentally ill individuals. AIDS was not their primary concern.
33. I did work with a significant percentage of ordinary gay men as my clients. My colleagues, too, were gay men. I became a champion for gay rights and my life revolved around the gay community. It was a priceless life experience.
34. I had very unsuccessful relationships with men for many years.
35. I swore men off and was celibate for over 2 years.
36. I met my husband, completely surprising me, at the end of said 2 year period. I was 34.
37. I married my husband at age 36. I am a very lucky woman–he is wonderful.
38. My wedding day, cliche, as it might be, was the best day of my life.
39. We don’t have children because of my condition.
40. For the first many years of our marriage I had to sleep 12 to 13 hours a day to sleep off the meds–still being left groggy for the remainder of the day. Combine that with a full-time job and there is no time for children.
41. After leaving my AIDS work, I shifted into full-time work with the “seriously mentally-ill.”
42. Throughout my career I took multiple short-term periods of disability every year or year and a half. California has a short-term disability fund so it was unnecessary to apply for SSDI.
43. While I worked I rarely had time to do anything but work and sleep.
44. Before I got married there were weekends when I got off on Friday and went to bed and literally slept the whole weekend, getting up on Monday morning to return to work. I was drugged into a stupor. I have no idea how I managed to function at work.
45. Even though I took multiple disability leaves, all but one of my employers valued me greatly and supported me through each leave. I was a good employee.
46. I never met a client who I couldn’t in some way find lovable.
47. I met lots of clinicians (my colleagues) who were less than lovable, but got along with everyone.
48. I lived in Los Angeles for a year.
49. I was offered a position working on a film by my cousin in the film industry.
50. The movie fell through, after I had already moved to LA and leased an apartment.
51. I was desperate for a job and couldn’t find something in my field, so I took a job doing data entry in the fund-raising department for a benign touchy-feely religious organization. My BA in religious studies finally paid off.
52. That year in LA was like a retreat. I had no friends and had lots of time to contemplate my life.
53. I returned to the Bay Area a more stable and mature woman. (I met my husband the following year.)
54. I love movies. Mostly the artsy independent type and documentaries, but I can enjoy an occasional blockbuster too. I also like stupid-sappy Hollywood romantic comedies.
55. I watch little TV but have some favorite shows. I am usually only watching that one show during it’s run and nothing else. They are: Cheers, Seinfield, Six Feet Under, Friends (god, yes a delightful guilty pleasure!) and Sex in the City. My latest favorite which I am waiting for the next season is Big Love. I like a bit of TV because unlike with movies, you get to know characters over a long period of time. Oh I can’t forget: Curb Your Enthusiasm. And I like both John Stewart and Stephen Colbert though I don’t watch them daily.
56. Politically I am liberal. Pretty much far to the left. But I am not typical and some of my beliefs are not in keeping with your average run of the mill lefty. I cannot be pigeon holed politically even though I labeled myself. Don’t take the label too seriously.
57. I find both Republicans and Democrats exceedingly disturbing. I think our government needs a serious over-haul. Our current administration is criminal.
58. I am a loyal and compassionate friend. I listen carefully and I will gently challenge people’s crap. My friends appreciate me greatly.
59. I appreciate my friends greatly.
60. I’m tired. Considering I included multiple bits of information on many of the above entries, I think I’ve given you well over 100 things about me. I’m stopping here! Perhaps I’ll complete this another day just so I can display the numbers 61-100 in print.
“18. I have no concrete goals for the future (other than getting off my meds.) This is a source of angst for me.”
Please, remind yourself that getting off the meds is a full time job. Allow yourself to be proud that you are doing what many people don’t have the strength, conviction, or motivation to endure.
In tarot (I’m told since I’ve never done it) there is the very important Hermit card:
“In The Hermit card, the 9th card of the Tarot, the teachers of the Ageless Wisdom are providing us with a future view of the outcome of our soul’s successful struggle to reach the highest level of earthly/spiritual enlightenment possible… an attainment that is attributable to and obtainable through continued discipline, diligence and dedication to the laws of Divine living.”
Without being the “Hermit” for a while, one cannot be the best one can be… It’s an essential part of the journey. Your healing time could be seen as a time of growth rather than as a source of angst.
How are we to think of long term life goals when it’s difficult to get through the day while at home, mostly alone?
I am sure your future goals will appear to you clearly when the time is right. Your healing journey must take its natural course before anything else can happen.
I have been thinking about your #18 seriously for about 4 years (since I stopped working). I struggle with this lack of goals, too. But, I do try and remember that the Hermit is working for me, not against me.
And, I’m going to guess that part of your angst stems from what you think society thinks of you staying a home and healing. You are not at a spa, eating bon bons, and watching soap operas (which would be okay for someone to do in my eyes, but not according to society). You are healing. Your next step will present itself accordingly.
Now, we are undertaking a huge task! Huge!!
You’re always a source of comfort for me hsp woman. I’ve not been working for 4 years too. It’s hard for me to be patient enough to wait probably at least a couple of more years before I can be in any shape to have other goals. I’ve gone round and round making plans and goals during this 4 year period and have just recently realized I need to stop. I simply don’t know what I am becoming and therefore have no idea what will be appropriate goals to work towards.
And it’s so nice to be reminded by someone who knows that drug withdrawal is indeed a full time job. You just can’t tell most people that that is what you’re doing. And even if you can tell them they just don’t get it.
My husband and therapist are the only people in my real life who get it.
I come up with creative stories of how I spend my time for everyone else. I never lie and I’m getting quite good at it. It’s taken almost the full four years to come up with something that feels good to tell everyone. Of course the story I tell leaves out all the most important details of my life right now but it does include all real elements of my life.
I’m not idle by any means. I just don’t do anything resembling the norm as dictated by society.
“39. We don’t have children because of my condition.”
I love your list, Gianna! Thank you for sharing!
I just wanted to make one small comment about this one, too. I have said this about myself for years and years. Finally, I reframed it and starting saying “We don’t have children because I have been prescribed teratogenic medication.” Now, that I am nearly off the medication, I cannot use this reasoning much longer.
After talking at great length with many HSP mothers, I’ve seen that I could be a mother after all, and a great one at that! I would just need to have a lot of help and support team. I need a ND and midwife, a doula, hypnobirthing coaching, a nanny, a homeopath, and a very clear set of expectations by me and my husband. A traditional hospital birth is out of the question for me.
For the first time, I know that I am capable of the intensity of birth, having an infant, and raising a child. I just have some needs other mothers don’t have. And that’s okay! Even if we decide not to get pregnant, I still feel like now it’s my choice, not a choice dictated by the way pdocs want to marginalize me.
I feel empowered and strong, regardless of my final decision. Thanks, Gianna, I just wanted to share with you my very intimate feelings concerning having children.
You’re always a source of comfort for me hsp woman. I’ve not been working for 4 years too. It’s hard for me to be patient enough to wait probably at least a couple of more years before I can be in any shape to have other goals. I’ve gone round and round making plans and goals during this 4 year period and have just recently realized I need to stop. I simply don’t know what I am becoming and therefore have no idea what will be appropriate goals to work towards.
And it’s so nice to be reminded by someone who knows that drug withdrawal is indeed a full time job. You just can’t tell most people that that is what you’re doing. And even if you can tell them they just don’t get it.
My husband and therapist are the only people in my real life who get it.
I come up with creative stories of how I spend my time for everyone else. I never lie and I’m getting quite good at it. It’s taken almost the full four years to come up with something that feels good to tell everyone. Of course the story I tell leaves out all the most important details of my life right now but it does include all real elements of my life.
I’m not idle by any means. I just don’t do anything resembling the norm as dictated by society.
I so hear you on the not idle but not “ordinary” thing.
Here is a quote I love:
“Stress is basically a disconnection from the earth, a forgetting of the breath. Stress is an ignorant state. It believes everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important. Just lie down…”
The act of planning a life beyond withdrawal while in withdrawal is stress.
Really. Just lie down (literally or figuratively!).
It’s great you have your husband and therapist on your team. I’m on your team, too. I understand you’re hardly idle, because you’re just like me in this sense!
As I must remind myself often, Give yourself the gift of time!
hsp,
I was posting my last comment when you posted the one on children. Thanks for sharing that too.
I’m glad you feel you can have children. That is wonderful. I still feel like it’s not an option for me. But that is a choice. I could indeed have a child, but right now, unlike you, I am not at all convinced I’d be a good mother.
I’m comforted by the thought that I am making a responsible decision. Certainly many women are driven to have children through instinct alone and should never have them. I could be one of those women and I won’t be.
The future lies ahead of me and things may change, but if they don’t I’m for the most part okay with that. I just sometimes feel like I’m missing out on an important rite of passage for human beings.
I so hear you on the not idle but not “ordinary” thing.
Here is a quote I love:
“Stress is basically a disconnection from the earth, a forgetting of the breath. Stress is an ignorant state. It believes everything is an emergency. Nothing is that important. Just lie down…”
The act of planning a life beyond withdrawal while in withdrawal is stress.
Really. Just lie down (literally or figuratively!).
It’s great you have your husband and therapist on your team. I’m on your team, too. I understand you’re hardly idle, because you’re just like me in this sense!
As I must remind myself often, Give yourself the gift of time!
Gianna, I’ve been wanting to write about not having children and just can’t get it out in words. I have several friends who could not have children for all of them it was ‘unexplained’ infertility. When I had my first child, my dear friend held her and sobbed, “why cant I have a baby?” It was heart breaking, because that was her true dream in life. She adopted 3 children. It’s her memorial this week. Another friend sat on my couch and cried to me “What about me?” It is what you talk about so eloquently here–it’s a passage of sort. The one who cried on my couch has early onset Alzheimers now. Life takes turns and changes we least expect. I think you are a kind and generous spirit, and I believe, that what you give/have given to others in your work and friendships is more than you realize, and you have been “a mother” to many. Does that make sense? because a mother is a loving spirit, who loves unconditionally, and cares genuinely. I appreciate reading your list of things here, and just wanted to write, it touched my heart.
thanks Stephany,
I really don’t usually pine away about the kid thing, though if you read my post from yesterday you might find that hard to believe since I was in tears about it.
Really it just makes sense not to have kids and that will probably be the case into the future and for the most part I’m a realist about that. Frankly most of the time, if I’m honest with myself I simply think I’d be awful as a mother.
So like you said, I can use my nurturing skills elsewhere and as you guessed I do have those. (I take care of more than a couple of friends quite often–not that they are not in return supportive)
Anyway…thanks for the note!
Really it just makes sense not to have kids and that will probably be the case into the future and for the most part I’m a realist about that. Frankly most of the time, if I’m honest with myself I simply think I’d be awful as a mother.
Ditto.
Gianna and Marissa, I would hug you both right now if I could.
8. I feel inferior because I never got a graduate degree.
As if that has any bearing on your worth as a human being or ability to contribute…yes, I know it’s just your feeling, but keep in mind that advanced degrees held by all the MDs who’ve screwed with our lives and our health all of these years- allowed to do so and given the benefit of the doubt- simply because of their diplomas…how many of them are worthy of that power?
Hi thank you for sharing. I am a thirty eight year old single English woman and I think for the first time properly I realise that I am very unlikely to have children. Sometimes when I realise this I feel like I have just heard somebody has died or somebody has kicked me in the stomach. Even though rationally I know it is probably best that I don’t have children I feel completely grief struck. Does anybody else have this feeling
Dear Deborah,
I think your feelings are very normal. I think I’ve come to terms with my situation, but I continue to feel a great sadness too. Like I am missing out on something incredibly important to being human.
For myself this is mitigated by knowing I would not be a proper mother for a child at this point. I sometimes still think this may change.
I don’t know why you feel you won’t have children so perhaps you don’t have the above to mitigate your pain.
Anyway I think it’s an incredibly natural way for you to feel and I think many many women who do not have children for various reasons struggle with the same pain you do.
I hope it softens as it has for me. I’m sure in time it will, but that may not help you feel any better in the moment.
#34-#36- we are very similar there. except i was never really in a true relationship until i met my husband. i mostly let men walk all over me for 18 or so years. and oddly enough, at the time, i was so emotionally numb, it didn’t bother me a bit.
#39- same with me. my husband also has a mental illness, we are on the same page. it’s difficult enough living day-to-day with our illnesses, adding a child into the mix would be, well, i cannot even imagine. although i love children, i believe with all my heart i have made the right choice.
#55- love all of those shows and looking forward to the new season of Big Love next month-it’s been forever!
#57- completely agree, 100%
hey! that’s an old post…I like some of the TV show you mentioned the other day…well actually all three of them!!
Dexter being my fave…