100 things about me

I first did this in July of 2007. Here is a slightly updated and edited version. I’m bored and had nothing of substance to post…sorry.

1. I’m 43 years old.

2. I was freaked out about my husband turning 50 this year even though I’ve never had an issue with him being older than me before.

3. I love nature and there is nothing that makes me feel more high than experiencing new landscapes, topography and flora/fauna–hence, yes, I love to travel in order to do that. My favorite vacations are to experience new natural wonders. I hope to be able to travel again someday.

4. I lived in Italy twice for one year each time as a child.

5. I grew up bilingual and my father only speaks to me in Italian to this day.

6. I majored in Religious Studies after having false starts in a variety of other majors: Rhetoric, Political Science, Anthropology, Italian and Social Work.

7. I went to UC Berkeley and tried to recreate the 60’s experience.

8. My first memory is of going through an old fashioned car wash with brushes and water coming at me.

9. I know when I ovulate and I have perfect 28 day cycles. (This has recently changed dramatically—is it early menopause or just crazy withdrawal crap?)

10. Except for the time spent in Italy as a child I lived my whole life in California. Even though I no longer live there I identify as a Californian. It will always be home.

11. Six years ago I moved to the Appalachian mountains to a rural community in the forest. I’ve now moved into a larger town.

12. The previous 18 years were spent in the Bay Area in California. I lived 10 years in Berkeley, 4 years in San Francisco, 2 years in Oakland and 2 years in San Rafael, Marin. I loved each city with a passion, always for different reasons.

13. Though I like where I now live, I have not completely acclimated to the radical cultural differences.

14. I made many life-long friendships once I moved to Berkeley and the Bay Area. I am deeply bonded with many of those friends.

15. I have been unable to make similarly deeply bonded friendships where I now live. I don’t know why this is.

16. I am by nature extremely social, but as I withdraw from meds I often find it difficult to socialize and find this the most painful part of the process.

17. I have tried 37 different psychiatric medications. None of them worked.

18. I have no concrete goals for the future (other than getting off my meds.) This is a source of angst for me.

19. I have a dog and two cats. My dog is a “feist.” The dictionary definition for “feist” is “southern mongrel.” She is bred to hunt squirrels and raccoons, but doesn’t get to experience what she was born to do. The word “feisty” comes from “feist” and we have first hand experience as to why this is.

20. Caffeine screws with my brain and body–so does alcohol. I still very occasionally test that reality for some ungodly reason (with caffeine only now—as a last resort when I must function.) I always pay for it.

21. I had plans in college to spend a year abroad in Italy studying, but it was rudely interrupted by a manic episode brought on by a hallucinogenic drug. I have always regretted not being able to do that.

22. I have been hospitalized for psychiatric disturbance 6 times. The first 5 times were in college. Four of those episodes were triggered by hallucinogens. Three of them were back to back over a three month period. I really never stopped being manic. The last one during college was triggered by a holistic doctor that didn’t understand I couldn’t take excitatory amino acids with my history.

23. Because of the hospitalizations and the rocky time I had in school it took me 9 years to get my BA.

24. I never did a hallucinogenic again after age 23. But I went on to smoke marijuana only very occasionally until New Years Eve 1999—that was the last time an “illicit” drug touched my lips.

25. I don’t think there is much difference between “illicit” and legal drugs. They all serve the same purpose. To alter our minds. This includes alcohol, caffeine and tobacco and all psychotropics.

26. Marijuana made me “delusional” and I had some very interesting conversations with God which was the draw to keep smoking even though it was only like once a year.

27. Because of the hyper-religiosity that the drugs caused and the vast array of intense spiritual experiences I’ve had because of them, I now find it hard to believe in anything at all. (I wrote this over a year ago..I now find that the spiritual is coming back to me in a grounded way, though I don’t believe in anything specifically, I do feel that I’m on a path. I’ve shed most of the spirit numbing drugs now)

28. I ache for spiritual meaning in my life and seek it.

29. One of my dearest childhood friends died at age 22 of AIDS. It was before much was understood about AIDS and he died in isolation telling no one of his illness. I was unable to say goodbye to him. I swore I would give back to the AIDS community in his name.

30. I worked in an AIDS hospice as a volunteer for 2 years.

31. I was a social worker/case manager for 12 years.

32. I started out by working for an AIDS Foundation. There I worked with mostly homeless, drug-addicted, mentally ill individuals. AIDS, believe it or not,  was not their primary concern.

33. I did work with a significant percentage of ordinary gay men as my clients. My colleagues, too, were gay men. I became a champion for gay rights and my life revolved around the gay community. It was a priceless life experience.

34. I had very unsuccessful relationships with men for many years.

35. I swore men off and was celibate for over 2 years.

36. I met my husband, completely surprising me, at the end of said 2 year period. I was 34.

37. I married my husband at age 36. I am a very lucky woman–he is wonderful.

38. My wedding day, cliche, as it might be, was the best day of my life.

39. We don’t have children because of my condition.

40. For the first many years of our marriage I had to sleep 12 to 13 hours a day to sleep off the meds–still being left groggy for the remainder of the day. Combine that with a full-time job and there is no time for children.

41. After leaving my AIDS work, I shifted into full-time work with the “seriously mentally-ill.”

42. Throughout my career I took multiple short-term periods of disability every year or year and a half. California has a short-term disability fund so it was unnecessary to apply for SSDI.

43. While I worked I rarely had time to do anything but work and sleep.

44. Before I got married there were weekends when I got off on Friday and went to bed and literally slept the whole weekend, getting up on Monday morning to return to work. I was drugged into a stupor. I have no idea how I managed to function at work.

45. Even though I took multiple disability leaves, all but one of my employers valued me greatly and supported me through each leave. I was a good employee.

46. I never met a client who I couldn’t in some way find lovable.

47. I met lots of clinicians (my colleagues) who were less than lovable, but got along with people in general.

48. I lived in Los Angeles for a random year.

49. I was offered a position working on a film by my cousin in the film industry.

50. The movie fell through, after I had already moved to LA and leased an apartment.

51. I was desperate for a job and couldn’t find something in my field, so I took a job doing data entry in the fund-raising department for a benign touchy-feely religious organization. My BA in religious studies finally paid off. Ha!

52. That year in LA was like a retreat. I had no friends and had lots of time to contemplate my life.

53. I returned to the Bay Area a more stable and mature woman. (I met my husband the following year.)

54. I love films. Mostly the artsy independent type and documentaries, but I can enjoy an occasional blockbuster too. I also like stupid-sappy Hollywood romantic comedies.

55. I watch little TV but have some favorite shows. I am usually only watching that one show during it’s run and nothing else. They are: Cheers, Seinfield, Six Feet Under, Friends (god, yes a delightful guilty pleasure!) and Sex in the City. My latest favorite which I am waiting for the next season is Big Love. I like a bit of TV because unlike with movies, you get to know characters over a long period of time. Oh I can’t forget: Curb Your Enthusiasm. And I like both John Stewart and Stephen Colbert though I don’t watch them daily. (that’s all old stuff—I now only watch TV on DVD and I like some strange stuff I didn’t even know existed like The Closer and Saving Grace among other new stuff.

56. Politically I am liberal. Pretty much far to the left. But I am not typical and some of my beliefs are not in keeping with your average run of the mill lefty. I cannot be pigeon holed politically even though I labeled myself. Don’t take the label too seriously.

57. I find both Republicans and Democrats exceedingly disturbing. I think our government needs a serious over-haul. Our current administration is criminal. (feeling hopeful, with a wait and see attitude about Obama)

58. I am a loyal and compassionate friend. I listen carefully and I will gently challenge people’s crap. My friends appreciate me greatly—uh, lately I’ve become a shit friend. I don’t have energy for anyone. I can hardly handle talking on the phone.

59. I appreciate my friends greatly.

60. I’ve met and/or seen up close a whole bunch of famous people. Jennifer Aniston, Prince, Donny Osmond, Chevy Chase, Bobby McFerrin, Tito Puente and a few more, but I can never remember them all when I try to list them. I don’t actually know if this is unusual…I did not try to meet any of them.

61. I’ve been held at knife point twice. Once by a “crazy American Indian on LSD,”– his own admission, not my interpretation. I was walking home from work at 3 am. I was a waitress and I worked in a restaurant that closed at 2 am. I was not out late “asking for it,” as people so rudely infer about so many victims of violent crime. (what a crock of shit) The other time by a psychotic client. Both times I kept my cool and deescalated the individual. The Native American guy backed down and apologized and the client turned over his knife to me and got flustered and also apologetic. I felt sorry for both of them. This did not stop me from having a bit of a meltdown after both incidents were over.

62. I have an uncanny ability to deescalate people with weapons. See my first post.

63. I look 10 to 15 years younger than I am. People still sometimes think I’m in my 20’s. (a trait I got from my mom who still looks much younger than her 70 years.)— I’m not sure this is still true….it’s been a rough year.

64. I’ve had 3 surgeries. Two for endometriosis and one for sleep apnea.

65. I was born in Carmel, California.

66. I’ve always wanted to act in theatre. Something I may still do locally, once I’m healed.

67. I’m a damned good cook and I never use a recipe.

68. The only “junk” food I eat is occasional popcorn. I buy it organic and make it homemade. Not sure this qualifies as junk food, but I know it’s too high in carbs for my hypoglycemia so I do count it as cheating.

69. I was a competitive swimmer as an adolescent. The coach from a national team came to watch my little team and tried to recruit me. I had fantasies of going to the Olympics but my parents wouldn’t drive me to the 6 am morning workouts. It made me believe I couldn’t follow my dreams. But now I know that is bullshit. I am following my dreams now. Tough as hell they may be.

70. I have a tattoo on my boob–it’s high enough up that I can show it to people if I choose to, but in general no one knows it’s there.

71. I’ve colored my hair magenta, blond, red, black and (once by accident) a pukey green.

72. My natural color is brown which is what I now wear.

73. When I dream I’m still thin.

74. In the summer my husband makes popsicles with unsweetened juice. I have one every night. (it feels decadent even though each popsicle only has about a third of a cup of juice)

75. I don’t generally drink juice because of it’s high sugar content.

76. I’m hypoglycemic.

77. We grow all our produce from May through October and don’t have to buy anything but onions and garlic throughout the growing season.

78. I love vegetables and especially greens. (dandelion greens are my favorite)

79. I have virtually no relationship with my surviving siblings. I had a wonderful relationship with my brother who died.

80. I wear my dead brother’s sweaters in the winter. I’m wearing one now.

81. We live in a 750 square foot home that we own. (I’ve had larger apartments when I was single) —status update–we’ve moved after 6 years in that tiny home and now have a home that feels palatial to me, though it’s only 1,100 square ft with a full basement (partially finished—so that’s another 1,100 square ft.) This is my dream home.

82. I usually feel wealthy as I am aware of the conditions in which most people in the world live–I am grateful for what I have and sometimes actually feel guilty.

83. I like corn, but need to cut it off the cob, as I can’t stand getting the crap in my teeth when you eat it on the cob.

84. Almost all corn is genetically modified and I won’t eat genetically modified food.

85. I avoid knowing too much about a movie before watching it. I avoid previews and reviews (except to get the general idea and to know if it is a quality film–I am in general a film snob-excepting the stupid-sappy Hollywood romance comedies mentioned in the previous post and the occasional blockbuster that usually draws me in by a favorite actor.)

86. I have a queue at Netflix of over 200 movies. After I select one I don’t look at it’s description again so that I am surprised when I watch it. If I want to know what kind of genre and mood it is, I have my husband check.

87. I love music, but I have rather plebeian tastes. (not the worst of pop, but generally pop nonetheless) I also love classic rock and roll of the 60’s and 70’s and some hardcore varieties like punk and metal (not so often anymore as I’ve grown sensitive to loud noise) I also like world music a lot.

88. I hate American Idol. (that’s the worst of pop)

89. My cats both have names inspired by my religious studies. Jez…ebel the whore of Babylon from the Bible and Kali the Hindu Goddess.

90. I love clothes. (old one…I don’t really care anymore…but maybe that will come back?)

91. I love going to Goodwill and getting several items for under $20. (nope, never shop anymore)

92. I now wear the same things over and over again. My main interest is comfort.

93. I wear make-up about 50% of the time I go out. People give me a lot of compliments when I wear make-up. I rarely get compliments on my looks when not wearing make-up. (I hardly ever go out anymore, but I imagine this still holds true)

94. I gained 90 lbs on psych meds. I’ve lost about 30 of them now.

95. I never had a weight problem before psych meds.

96. I love this music video. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and I smile big and wide throughout the whole thing. It has also brought me to tears.

97. My husband doesn’t think I’m fat.

98. I’ve always wanted to be an artist. I’ve managed to make a couple of pieces throughout the years that have pleased me greatly though I rarely try because most of the time I have no ideas.

99. I can’t hold a tune worth shit and finally let go of my fantasy of being a singer in a band after taking singing lessons years ago which made it become patently obvious it was a pipe dream.

100. This doesn’t make me stop wishing I could play an instrument and jam with musicians. I believe music making has got to be at least as good as sex. (I don’t have the discipline to learn an instrument—but maybe that can change as I heal too!)